Narcissism is a psychological term that comes from a character in greek mythology. Punished for too much self love, Narcissus is condemned to fall in love with his own image. In other words, his self love is taken to a higher level. He falls IN love with himself and must suffer the pain of unrequited longing.

Narcissism is not necessarily a bad quality. Self love coupled with “in love with self” creates a kind of charisma often fueling great success. Many founders of businesses, celebrities, politicians, and sports figures possess strong narcissistic tendencies that accounts in large part for their achievements. They are driven by a deep inner commitment which fuels their ability to stay the course against obstacles thwarting their vision.

The concern is DEGREE. Too much narcissism leads to an over-focus of self above others. Behavior becomes grandiose and empathy is crippled. The best way to describe this narcissistic quality is to stick to the key image in the greek myth. Narcissus falls in love with himself and is doomed to the pain of unrequited love. Meaning, he can never fulfill his love because he can never split himself into two beings. This inner pain fixates the attention on the inner relationship of self with self. As if there is a painful drama between two lovers on the INSIDE.

When thinking of narcissism in this image, Michael Jackson comes to mind. The drama of his childhood coupled with his genius talent manifested into a potential narcissism. Robert B. Millman, professor of psychiatry at the Weill Cornell Medical College of Cornell University coined the term, acquired situational narcissism (ASN). ASN is awakened by a celebrity-obsessed society that falls “in love with” a celebrity and plays out the “unrequited pain” of an unachievable love. The inner drama of narcissism becomes an outer drama as well. The seed of Michael Jackson’s childhood narcissism was exacerbated by ASN. In other words, wealth and fame fed the flaw which led Michael Jackson’s personality into a rarified and painful lifestyle.

What can families of wealth learn from Michael Jackson? In an article with my co-author Megan Wells, we illuminated the challenge of wealth as an intensifier to normal life processes. SEE: THE INTENSITY OF WEALTH in Private Wealth Magazine, August 2008.

Wealthy people are judged as free from the financial struggles most have to deal with, in the form of mortgages, education, health care and retirement. Americans also dream that getting rich will bring personal as well as public power. The fantasy of wealth has an irrational halo. As if wealth will free us from the curses of being human and grant health, beauty, wisdom and love.

In truth, wealth brings intensity. The Latin word, intensus, means stretched tightly, or strained. Imagine wealth as a helium balloon floating free high above life’s cares. Yet inside the balloon, the helium-filled interior is stretched to capacity, making the skin vulnerable to explosion. The breeze may be gentle, the trees and birds beautiful, but because of the stress within the balloon, these external events are now potential threats. The balloon may be free, but the intense pressure profoundly alters the experience of the situation.

Michael Jackson’s life was like the balloon. He was lifted, almost worshipped, by a hungry adoring public. His inner love drama enflamed by ASN, and the experience of both these challenges intensified by wealth.

Though Michael Jackson’s case is extreme, families of wealth can learn from his example. Wealth holders can ask themselves in what ways does the intensity of wealth affect the inner dramas of their families and relationships. Is there any narcissism in the family? Has that narcissism been exacerbated by ASN? The first step to unraveling any family challenge is to gain insight into underlying unaddressed issues. Once the narcissism and intensity are named, it is possible to change enabling and grandiose behaviors.

Look for an upcoming post on the impact of entitlement on family systems.

The unique challenge of a family business is to create clear relationships on the job and at home. How does a son come home and vent about his boss, when the boss is his wife’s father? How do two brothers stay out of conflict since old memories of childhood lurk in every transaction? The essential tool is agreements. Thorough agreements.

Family business/home agreements require three major elements: negotiation, compromise and sacrifice. These are familiar terms and concepts. But they are often misunderstood, or thinly applied. Check back in paragraph number one. The essential tool is THOROUGH agreements. What is often missed in negotiation? Why does compromise feel like a loss? Doesn’t the thought of sacrifice bring up resistance?

The first step in negotiation is to agree to have a conversation.  This asserts you and the other are willing to acknowledge a conflict, disagreement, or “we see things differently.” This beginning step is crucial, for it is an act of mutual respect, and expresses trust exists.  

Many families can’t get to square one due to injured relations from the past. Some families have “don’t go there,” or taboo topics.  These areas indicate vulnerability. Paradoxically, vulnerability is imperative in creating family agreements. I advise families to start conversations where they feel safest.  As trust builds, the relationship becomes solid, opening the possibility for deeper conversations.

Negotiation takes courage, effort and risk.  Simply begin with an “invitation” to talk about a problem/challenge that exists in the relationship.

Once a dialogue is begun, it is important to validate each others perspective, even if you don’t agree. Validation does not mean you give up your position, it means even though you see things differently, you respect the others perspective. Therefore, validation nurtures the safety of the conversation, allowing for deeper exploration. “Right” or “wrong” positioning reflect a power struggle, which is about lack of trust. Validation nullifies power struggles.

After a time of having both sides of the perspective/story heard and validated, negotiation moves to compromise. To compromise is to “give” a little, loosen up and be flexible. Compromise comes about because of successful negotiation. Therefore, both parties are “conceding,” to the truth. What is true is the ultimate goal.

When we arrive at the truth, there may or may not be a need to sacrifice. If the need exists, both parties need to be in agreement with themselves (individually) what they are willing to give up. Sacrifice carries the cost of serving the family as opposed to individual. Therefore, when sacrifice is necessary, it is an investment in the family. If the one who sacrifices is not in agreement with themselves, they will resent their sacrifice. If they are in agreement with themselves, their sacrifice is a gift to the relationship/family.

The outcome of a conflict well traversed, is often transformative and innovative. Family agreements create and maintain family harmony.

Meet the Smiths.  Mr. and Mrs. Smith have three adult children, one son and two daughters.  All three children receive quarterly distributions from a trust.  The two oldest children are college educated with successful careers and family lives.  However, Chloe, the youngest daughter struggles.  Chloe is twenty-three years old, a college drop out and has not held a job for more than a few months at a time. Relationships are her priority and she dates abusive men who take advantage of her access to family money.

The trouble began in high school when Chloe began experimenting with alcohol and drugs. Experimentation led to abuse.  Abuse led to dependence.  Chloe’s parents attempted to support their daughter by bailing her out of every drama she found herself in.  This bailing out is enabling behavior.  The parents meant to help Chloe.  In actuality, Chloe never experienced the full consequences of her choices.

At one point Chloe was arrested for driving under the influence (DUI).  Her drivers license was suspended, and she was ordered to attend remedial education classes on drinking and driving.  During the costly legal process of the DUI, Chloe continued to drink and drive, eventually causing an accident where others were injured.  With family reputation openly at risk, the two older siblings confronted the parents about the enabling behavior and invited them to seek help.  

The Smith family hired a firm specializing in providing interventions for chemical dependent members of affluent families.   The firm engaged the parents, siblings, in-laws, nieces and nephews, former employers and friends of Chloe.  Each of these people were asked to write a letter to Chloe describing in specific language the ways Chloe’s alcohol/drug use had caused pain.  All of this preparatory activity, in the form of three meetings and a rehearsal, were conducted without Chloe’s knowledge.  The timing of the information delivery is done to maximize the emotional impact on Chloe during a face-to-face intervention meeting.

In addition, the intervention firm made arrangements for Chloe to be admitted to an alcohol/drug treatment center, including transportation.  

On the day of the intervention the Smiths and their friends gathered with the interventionist at the parents home.  Chloe had been invited to lunch.  When she arrived, she was surprised to see everyone gathered, including the interventionist.  The interventionist told Chloe all of these people had gathered because they loved her and each had something important to tell her.  

One by one, each person present read their letter of how Chloe’s alcohol/drug use had affected them in painful ways.  Each letter was loving and not condemning.  Each letter asked that Chloe seek help for her problem.  

At first Chloe wanted to bolt, but with skilled interjections, the interventionist calmed Chloe’s raging emotions so she could stay and hear everyone out.  By the conclusion of the sharing Chloe agreed to enter treatment.

This is a simple story and a hopeful one.  Addiction stories vary in length and depth.  There are many affluent families who suffer for generations from the debilitating effects of addiction.  It is liberating to know intervention is possible no matter what stage of suffering a family is experiencing.  It is never too late to learn about enabling behavior.  Healing comes when we allow our loved ones to experience the true consequences of their problem and get appropriate and skilled help.

Money is paper.  That paper is a highly charged and animated entity.  We animate it with our personal and collective imagination.  Money carries hopes, dreams, fantasies, freedom, power.  Money carries emotion.  

In my talk I addressed the current financial crisis, which I psychologically reframe as an “economic trauma”  This event has brought pain and disruption to many families of wealth.  

When the trauma first hit (September/October 2008) it brought paralysis, bewilderment, and disorientation.  As time passed (January/February 2009), I began to hear clients express anxiety and anger.  Difficult emotions.  Ultimately many have lost much.  Loss leads to the emotion of grief.  Grief needs to be witnessed.

My intention in speaking to NAPFA advisors today was to invite them to consider employing EMPATHY in their work with clients. Empathy has its root from the Latin empatheia, meaning “in feeling.”  Sympathy is to “feel for,” someone.  Empathy is to “feel with,” someone.  

Advisors are trained to be analytical and linear (left brain).  Empathy requires a non-linear way of imagining (right brain).  When an advisor intentionally places his/her agenda to the side, and sits with a client fully present – this is an empathic action providing a healing witness.  This action brings more depth to the client/advisor relationship.  More depth means more trust.  More trust brings greater rewards for both parties.

I interpret Jung as saying, love is the opposite of power, and visa versa.  Love has its roots in trust, and the interest in and care of others.  Power has its roots in egocentricity, fear and control of others.  Love is about abundance.  Power is about scarcity.  Power struggles in family relationships evidence breakdowns in trust, and therefore love.  

Family life can be both challenging and fulfilling.  Wealthy families have the added challenge of shared financial assets.  In some families, money is power, and in others it is an agreement.  

How do families of wealth create and preserve harmony around money?

Taking an inventory of what money “means,” to the family and its individual members is a good beginning.  Initiating a family dialogue coupled with storytelling about where and how the family wealth originated is revealing.  What is revealed are values associated to money.  What family members “say,” about money, and what they “do,” with money are not always congruent.  

It is not surprising many families avoid these conversations for they are often loaded with emotions, and potential conflicts.  It takes courage to broach the topic of “our wealth.”  However, when this risk is taken true values rise to the surface.  The “truth,” of what one feels about money and wealth can be conflictual or liberating.  

We often take something for granted until we lose it.  Many wealth holders’ trust in their advisors, bankers, attorneys, family office executives and wealth managers has been damaged over the last year. In researching these speeches, I spoke with one individual who discovered he had been deceived by one of his advisors for over a decade.  He told me he terminated the relationship, but now wonders about his other advisors.  He went on to tell me, “I don’t know if I even trust myself anymore.”

The Madoff, Stanford and other lessor known scandals, are having a huge impact on the affluent.  The Reagan era slogan, “Trust, but verify” has become part of the current conversation.  There is wisdom in this idea, no doubt.  However, real, authentic trust takes “going the distance,”  by both wealth holders and their advisors.

By “going the distance,”  I am  referring to the effort it takes to confront issues many often avoid.  The wealthy and their advisors need to risk conversations about the “truth,” of what they feel and think about the “relationship.”   In other words, broaching the subject of trust is the first necessary step to building, repairing or reconciling a breech.  And, even if no overt breech occurred, there is a chink in the collective trust between the wealthy and advisors across the board.  

Recently I participated in a roundtable discussion on this topic.  Several bankers and other financial professionals described experiencing feeling a “distancing,” from their clients.  One advisor said, “its as if some clients are suspicious of me, my firm and my intentions.”  

Many wealth holders were passive in their relationships with advisors.  The shifting economy has changed the game.  My encouragement to affluent clients and their advisors is to apply effort toward collaboration.  

Collaborative partnership removes passivity, creating positive inter-dependency leading to clarity, innovation and trust in relationship and portfolio.

Many families avoid this process for a variety of reasons.  It is not an easy process, but a necessary one.  Recently a client recounted to me, he awakened in the middle of the night and realized his shareholder agreement needed to be amended.  He told me, “If I were to die right now, my kids would get nothing.”  Many families avoid conversations about money and wealth.  There are many uncomfortable emotions that accompany these discussions.  However, when family leaders initiate succession conversations, the conflicts they encounter, if traversed well, can bring clarity and structure.  I like to point out structure is order that brings calm.  Without structure, anxiety and avoidance behaviors often perpetuating difficulties. 

Simply put, Succession Planning consists of conversations (family meetings) and training of the next generation in money and wealth skills.  And, if a business is involved, ownership and management skills are considered and plans are made to develop these capabilities.

Burden refers to a “heavy weight,” or anything “difficult or troubling.”  Sharing the burden can be addressed in succession planning.  Succession planning is the conscious and intentional investment in conversations and training with current and succeeding generations to carry wealth and family values forward.  Regarding the man who referred to his wealth as a burden, one challenge for him was to admit he needs help.  I asked him if he had plans of preparing his heirs to succeed him, and if he had ever consulted an advisor.  He said, “No, but I know I need to.”  

More on succession planning next post.

Our culture views wealth as strength, power, freedom.  Wealth holders surely experience those things.  In addition, they may wander into a social gathering, party, or business function and wonder: “Do they like me for me, or my money?”  Because there is a great emphasis of value on money and wealth in our society, the human being, in this instance, wealthy person, is often not seen for who they are, but what they have.  We may speak of someone with wealth in terms of “net worth,” rather than their personal characteristics, values, or perspectives on life.  

In my early work with people with wealth, I would “idealize” them, as I saw them as above myself.  They were rich, they had it made.  They would never want for anything.  Over time, I became aware of this “projection,” and realized my “judgments,” about these folks was impairing my ability to see them for who they really were, let alone help them.  On the flip side, they “felt,” my judgment and it kept the relationship stuck at a particular level of trust.  I confronted my “wealthism,” over the course of several years and eventually came to see wealthy folks as ordinary people having an extraordinary experience, due to having significant financial means.